I didn't get the memo

I didn't get the memo that said doctors don't get to cuddle babies. Its one of lives profound injustices that the nurses get all the fun. They just didn't mention in medical school that due to my official title I would just never have the time to sit in a rocking chair and hold a newborn, and even if I did have the time, this was clearly not my job.

So I'm pretending I don't know. In the rare moments between following up a hemoglobin, ordering packed red cells and assessing a woman to see if she really has broken her water I sneak out the back door of the nursing station, across the hall, and into the special care nursery. They know me now.

The world slows down between the rows of boxed babies. I breath calmly, life is now as it should be, things have stopped moving at warp speed. A brand new complete package of humanity, a whole being, nestled in my arms. My world stops spinning out of control. Delicate fingers grasping out at the harsh world, miniature monkey toes on my palm and I am at peace with the universe.

In the photo archive that is my early life, there is picture after picture of me holding babies. When I was no more than 4 years old I remember my mom propping my arm on a pillow so it wouldn't get tired as I sat and gazed at the little nose, soft tiny ears. In an instant all my rambunctious, mischievous, hyperactive traits ceased and I sat in stillness, a miracle my mother would say.

During my time in Africa, I would come to town from my village, sometimes exhausted and disillusioned, unsure that there was any good left in this world of pain. All I had to do was sit on Mama Kiri's porch with a two year-old Baraka in my arms, waking up from his nap to know that all was well in the world, that there is always new life and hope and peace.

I smile as I see a grunt and then feel a rumbling in the diaper, my pager conveniently pierces the silence and I'm jolted back into a different world as I stand up from the rocking chair and tuck baby back into her box. Apologizing profusely to the nurse for not changing the diaper of course and off to see why Mrs. Jones can't pee.