My Screaming Ovaries

There is a divine and messy moment after birth. I peeked my head around the door to see if the baby had been born yet. It was one of those consults that causes obstetricians to go into early retirement. A recommendation for assisted delivery had been made, and it had been declined. One can only step away and wait. Regardless, the parents were lovely, both well along in successful careers.

So it was with a wave of relief that I witnessed this tender moment. An exhausted but exhilarated mother holding her naked child against her chest, the father leaned in close, tears streaming down his face, tenderly kissing the top of his daughter's head, telling his partner how much he loved them both.

But the pediatrician walked back and forth restlessly, the babe had to go to NICU. She was much sicker than expected and needed multiple interventions. Later that night I found out baby had been urgently flown down south for further care. Mom and dad were going with.

Dread. Nausea. Sadness. Guilt. I can't find words to describe the feeling. Should I have made a fuss? Demanded delivery? Pulled the "your baby will be gorked if we don't deliver it now" line? Would that have made any difference? No one can say.

The next day I called the NICU down south to see how baby was doing. Not good. On ECMO (a heart-lung machine for babies) with uncontrolled pulmonary hypertension. The baby had a common trisomy and the parents were giving her up for adoption.

My ovaries screamed in unison and my heart exploded. I jumped in my car, drove the 10 hours down to Vancouver in the snow, only wanting to wrap that baby in my arms and love her for however long her life might be. My soul aching, thinking of that tiny baby all alone in a NICU far away.

Okay, I didn't actually get in the car. More just a compulsion to do so.

Damn ovaries.